IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY Today! Really?—Great Dionysus, what are the odds? Exactly 1 in 365. You will have a great party, but before your special day is over, you will step in werewolf/doggy doodoo.

ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 20) — You’re finally making an impression at work. The only problem is, you are a ghost, and that impression is scaring the hell out of everyone. Do I really need to spell it out?—YOU’VE BEEN DEAD THIS WHOLE TIME.

_TAURUS (Apr 21 – May 21) — This fall, you’ll be contacted by extra-terrestrials. It turns out to be a pocket dial.

φGEMINI (May 22 – Jun 21) — Abandon all hope of getting to bed at a reasonable hour this fall after downloading Brennan Storr’s Ghost Guys podcast.

γCANCER (Jun 22 – Jul 23) — Cosmic weirdness abounds for you, my Crabby friend. Do not be surprised if you see a UFO, ghost and Sasquatch all in the same day. And I really stress the not being surprised part. Sasquatches are easily spooked … and really mean.

LEO (Jul 24 – Aug 23) — Your hot water tank will go kaput just as it gets cold. Only by placing your hand on the tank and sending the water inside positive thoughts, will you eventually get hot water. And call Skalicky’s.

αVIRGO (Aug 24 – Sep 23) — This Oshtober, you will visit massage shaman (and total miracle worker) Oshi Hampson, who, using your liver, somehow fixes that trick knee of yours. But dun-dun… …it’s a chronic injury.

δLIBRA (Sep 24 – Oct 23) — The stars align for you to stay at the Holten Heritage House this fall. (And it’s booked all winter.) But, in the middle of the night, you remember you forgot to take all that pop out of the car because it’s supposed to go below freezing, and no one wants to go down the haunted staircase. So you let it go.

χSCORPIO (Oct 24 – Nov 22) This fall, you will embark on a CE-5 mission. While everyone is captivated by a UFO in the night sky, you see a Sasquatch rummaging through the cooler. The wood ape flashes a grin, knowing no one will ever believe you, and disappears from sight. Did you just see that amazing thing? Everyone will ask you. “Yes… yes …” you will say.

βSAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 – Dec 21) — You’re a sad Sag. This fall, you will experience what’s commonly called Seasonal Effectiveness Disorder, due to the sun’s change in celestial quadrants, meaning you will experience less and less sunlight until exactly 2:23 p.m. on Friday December 21. That … that’s actually true. Just know that the sun will (most likely) return.

χCAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 20) — Cosmic activity in the career area of your chart shows that you will likely get a job you hate this fall. Or lose a job you love. It’s very hard to tell.

ιAQUARIUS (Jan 21 – Feb 19) — During a highway closure, you decide to get a room and stay in town. The room, however, happens to be at a newly opened escape room called Revelstuck, and Katie and Kyle legally can’t let you out until you answer these riddles three.

δPISCES (Feb 20 – Mar 20) — Your prayers are answered on Revelstoke Ride Share when a man who confusingly spells his name Huw offers you a lift. There’s only one catch: his bus uses a portal system he hasn’t quite mastered. You arrive in Sicamous, several hundred years into the future, in an alternate universe where the Houseboats rent humans. Fin.